20 Questions February 29, 2008

I have 20 questions to ask no one in particular, but would like an answer some day. I’m sure I’m not the only one asking these questions. Some of them are serious and some of them are trivial. So, here goes.

* The first 5 of 20 Questions
* Why is it that I’m always left with one odd sock after sorting the laundry?
* Why are there no tea bags left when we come back from vacation?
* Why does the phone stop ringing just as I get there, having run in from the garden?
* Why does my computer crash when I’m racing for a deadline?
* Why are the yummy foods like ice cream, burgers and fries bad for me?

Here are the next 5 of 20 Questions
* Why is there never a police officer around when you need one?
* Why do the tax people demand money from me straight away but keep my tax refunds for months?
* Why can’t I sleep at two in the morning and fall asleep next lunchtime?
* Why do sales people always call when I’m in the middle of having dinner?
* Why can I fill a crossword puzzle except for one last clue?

Here are the next 5 of 20 Questions
Why are soldiers trained to kill, called peacekeepers?
* Why did the Kennedy brothers and Martin Luther King die and certain other people survive?
Why do people put inserts into magazines, for them to fall on the floor?
* Why do crazy people believe we didn’t really land on the moon?
* Why do people keep constructing homes on flood belts?

Here are the next 5 of 20 Questions
* Why isn’t Michael Moore President of the United States?
* Why isn’t Lisa Simpson the Vice President?
* Why doesn’t a life sentence mean a life sentence?
* Why is it so easy to buy a gun in the US?
* Why does the key on the corned beef can always break?

Strangely, I bet it’s the more silly questions people relate to. As we rush around each day, it’s the little niggling things which get you down. I guess we think the big issues will take care of themselves and it’s the pen we can’t find that drives us mad! I would swap a debate on gun laws with anyone if they volunteer to come and defrost my freezer.

Top 10 Terrible Excuses for Being Late to School February 28, 2008

1. My hamster died. I had to plan for his funeral.

2. I lost my backpack. Then I lost my lunchbox. Then I just got lost.

3. My alarm clock went back to sleep. I didn’t want to wake it up.

4. I was abducted by aliens. After being transported to the mother ship, the aliens decided not to suck out my brains. They sent me back home.

5. My younger brother knocked me out with his toothbrush. By the time I woke up, I missed the bus. I’m still a little dazed. Can I skip doing work for the day?

6. My mother said that I had to eat all my breakfast before I could go to school. Do you have any idea how long it takes to eat three bowls of cereal, five slices of bacon, two eggs, and three slices of toast?

7. My nose was running, and I had to chase after it

8. I’m not late. Everyone else is early.

9. I was just about to enter the school when I noticed that I had a stain on my dress. My folks would kill me if I ever came to school with a stain.

10. I was about to leave when my dog bit me in the butt. I had to change my pants. I’m okay now. However, the stress may affect my ability to get much work done in school today.

BBQ RULES February 27, 2008

We are about to enter the spring and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…

The Blonde Jokes

#1: “Blonde on the lookout” A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

#2: “First Class to Vegas” The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket. The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.” But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach. The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!'”

#3: “Blonde Diagnosis” “Doc, you’ve got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”

#4: “Blonde Cruise” A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, pushes her in and leaves her, floating downstream. A few minutes later another blonde passes by, sees the sign, goes inside, and pays for the $99 cruise special. She receives the same treatment. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. As they float along, side-by-side, the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The other replies, “They didn’t last year!”

#5: “Alligator Shoes” A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .

“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

#6: “Trapped!” A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”

18 Funny Friendship Quotes February 26, 2008

1. “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” ~ Bernard Meltzer2. “There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

3. “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” ~ Spike Milligan

4. “A true friend stabs you in the front.” ~ Oscar Wilde

5. “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” ~ Anonymous

6. “An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.” ~ Jim Hayes

7. “Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.” ~ Esther M. Clark

8. “Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice.” ~ Anonymous

9. “I have lost friends, some by dath, others through sheer inability to cross the street.” ~ Virginia Woolf

10. “Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” ~ Thomas Jones

11. “I got a lotta best friends. Some o’ them I don’t even hardly know!” ~ Archie Bunker

12. “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.” ~ John Leonard

13. “We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

14. “Friends are God’s ways of apologizing for our families.” ~ Anonymous

15. “Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.” ~ Charles Lamb

16. “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” ~ Winnie the Pooh

17 “Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” ~ Mark Twain

18. “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” ~ C.S. Lewis

15 Funny Quotes

1. “Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.” ~ George Carlin

2. “Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.” ~ Tim Allen

3. “I drive a V10 Ford Excursion and I have to tell folks all the time: look I’ve got five kids and a dog and birds. I would have to have two Lincolns with two V8s, you see, so it would be 16 cylinders.” ~ Dan Aykroyd

4. “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!” ~ George Carlin

5. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” ~ Jim Carrey

6. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.'” ~ Robin Greenspan

7. “Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.” ~ Scott Adams

8. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” ~ Dave Barry

9. “Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.” ~ PJ O’Rourke

10. “Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children.” ~ Sam Levinson.

11. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor’s cute then forget the fruit!” ~ Bumper sticker quote

12. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein

13. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain

14. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

15. “USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.” ~ David Letterman

16 Funny Quotes

1. “Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” ~ Evan Esar

2. “Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.” ~ Jane Wagner

3. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” ~ Author Unknown

4. “When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

5. “Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.” ~ Brendan Gill

6. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey

7. “The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.” ~Samuel Butler

8. “I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.” ~ Jeff Foxworthy

9. “The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.” ~ Robert Bloch

10. “Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.” ~ George E. Bergman

11. “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” ~ Groucho Marx

12. “Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” ~ Matt Lauer

13. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” ~ Steven Seagal

14. “No matter how love sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” ~ Joyce Brothers

15. “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” ~ Vice President Al Gore

16. “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.” ~ Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

16 Mark Twain Quotes

1. “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

2. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

3. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

4. “A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

5. “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

6. “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”

7. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”

8. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

9. “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

10. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

11. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”

12. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.”

13. “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”

14. “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

15. “A man who carries a cat by the tail is getting experience that will always be helpful. He isn’t likely to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn’t likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him!”

16. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do… Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

21 Funny Answers to Questions You Never Asked

1) Deciphering Statues: Have you noticed statues of great warriors riding on horses in your local park or while on a vacation? The way they are arranged says a lot about their personal history. How?

a) If the front legs of the horse are up in the air this signifies that the rider perished in battle.

b) If only one of the front legs of the horse are up in the air this signifies that the rider perished because he was fatally wounded in battle.

c) And finally, if all the legs of the horse are firmly situated in the ground this signifies that the rider died naturally and not in battle or as a result of a battle.

2) The Mystery of Numbers: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321

3) Life-Saving Inventions: Did you know that women were the sole inventors of the following life-saving objects: fire escapes, bullet proof vests, laser printers and windshield wipers.

4) Sweet: While all other kinds of food rot after sometime, honey is the sole food that never rots or spoils.

5) Tongue: How many times have you stuck your tongue out at a friend in jest or as a joke? Did you know that crocodiles cannot do that?

6) Rip Van Vinkle: Did you know that snails can do a Rip Van Vinkle for the enormously long period of three years?

7) Bears From Antarctica: Had you an idea that all polar bears are not right handed but left handed?

8) Sense of Taste: Human beings use their tongue to taste. We all know that. But what do butterflies use? They do not have a tongue. They use their feet!

9) Jumping and Jumping: Did you know that out of all the animals in the animal kingdom, there is only one that cannot jump? And that is the elephant. In fact, thank heavens they cannot.

10) Pets: Once, humans domesticated bogs, some cats and some parrots. But did you know that in the last four thousand years, not even one new animal was added to this roster?

11) Arachnophobia: So small yet so fearful, that is the spider. Research has added up the calculation that men and women have a larger fear of spiders than they have of dying.

12) New Words: Writers are the inventors of language just like scientists are the inventors of science. And one of the greatest inventors of the English language was Shakespeare. Words such as bump and assassination can be credited to him.

13) Typing: Ever thought about what is the longest word you can type onto your computer screen by using only one hand or more preciously the left one? That unique word is stewardesses.

14) Drunk: Wondered what would happen to an ant if they ever get drunk? They will always tumble to their right.

15) Electrical Teeth: Once, not so long ago, before the lethal injection was invented, people were executed by using an electric chair. Do you know who invented that? A dentist.

16) Going the Distance: We have all heard about low and high blood pressure, but do you know what that means in lay terms? What it does is that the pump in the heart is so strong that it can squirt blood to a distance as long as thirty feet if you make a hole in it.

17) Reproduction: One of the world record holders for reproduction speed is the small animal called rat. Did you know that they do it so quickly that two rats can reproduce over a million others in less than eighteen months?

18) Bacterial Infection: Do you like to listen to music using headphones? Know then that just a single hour means that you have multiplied by seven hundred the bacteria in your ear.

19) Have a light? One of the most amazing things I came across was the knowledge the even before the match, the basis of a cigarette lighter came into being.

20) Fish on Lips: Did you know that its most likely that the lipstick you use has some fish scales in them?

21) Uniqueness: The police use fingerprints to catch crooks, but why not use a persons tongue print? Did you know that each one has a completely different tongue print?

Just for Fun: Other Creative Uses for Condoms

Here are some of those funny, yet practical condom uses.

– During times of emergency situations for survival, did you know that condoms can be used to hold or store water? Condoms are like balloons that can carry galloons of waters each. There is a need to be very careful in handling water-filled condoms, however.

– A microphone to be used for an underwater recording could be put inside a condom. This would make the microphone water-proof. The technique has already been in use in the recording industry. In fact, many recording studios and stage performers buy our Durex Natural Feeling Non-lubricated condoms wholesale to protect their microphones during transit and storage.

– When there are soil examinations, condoms would be used to store soil samples. Doing so would help prevent the sample from becoming unnecessarily moist. Such a practice also makes soil sample collection easier especially when storage factors are considered. The condom helps with protection from the elements.

– Let’s not forget water balloon fights. If your roommate or friend tries to stage a surprise ambush on you, and you don’t have any balloon ammunition, reaching into your nightstand and using a few condoms as emergency backup can be extremely handy.

– Unfortunately, many smugglers think they can use condoms to smuggle goods. How do they do that? Well, the goods would be placed inside a condom before being sealed by tying the knot. The condoms are then typically swallowed and carried internally. This practice is prevalent for smugglers crossing territorial borders. However, the technique is extremely dangerous and deadly. If ever the condom would break or tear apart inside the body, the smuggler could instantly die of a possible deadly drug overdose.

– In South Africa, travelers wear condoms so that when they immerse into the water, they would not be attacked by candiru. Candiru are very small catfish varieties that are attracted very much to urine and blood. When travelers use condoms, the very small catfish types would not be able to sense the urine and get inside the body to get to the urethra.